In this excerpt from MythPunk: DoomSpire – Manifesto of the DAMNED, a science-fantasy satire about the collision of rapacious capitalism and magic-augmented feudalism, Alyx and her improbable companions debate tactics, pronouns, and undead protocols en route to the titular DoomSpire. Featuring a hyper-logical tentacled alien, a wizard in search of relief from cosmic boredom, a Mormon missionary on a bike, and a knight trying just a little too hard, this chapter captures the blend of absurdity and sincerity at the heart of MythPunk.

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Well, it was better thanwalking. But Alyx felt absurd. The back of the Wizard’s cart was more spaciousthan it appeared before climbing in. But Ham’s lower tentacles draped over herlap and over the side of the cart, bouncing squishily against the weatheredboards. The Wizard muttered random words to himself between puffs ofsmoke, which Ham helpfully blew out of Alyx’s face with a compressed air nozzleon their arm normally reserved for cleaning solar arrays. Alyx picked up a fewsnippets here and there, “misappropriation” and “embezzlement”, but there wasno context for her to make sense of it. 

Ephraim pedaled along one side,humming what was surely an overly earnest hymn. Sir Reginald, the knight-seraph(whatever that was), trotted on the other side, again on the too large horsethat seemed to pop back into existence. To Alyx’s relief, that was wheretheir mask was rotated. Ham was giving a detailed debrief to the goldenwarrior.

“Assessing the damage of the cannonrounds, they appeared to only reduce the combat effectiveness of the creatureby 0.364%, and had no effect on it’s speed or maneuverability.”

“Ha! Yes, fighting the undeadrequires one adopt… improper martial strategy. Once I buried this veryblade,” with a flourish Sir Reginald pulled the Sword of Proper Behavior fromits hilt, holding it in front of Ham’s mask so they could get a good look atit, “to the hilt in the chest of an undead mountain troll. What surprise whenit swung its mighty stone cudgel! T’was only the Sollicita Regula,” he sheathedthe sword and pointed to the large shield on his back, “which saved mine body,lest all of my bones be shattered! Ha!”

There was a beat before Hamresponded. “Updating their logs,” Alyx observed.

“Alyx noted via reference to acommon entertainment trope that the creature, reading as both organic and withno life signs, may in fact be ‘undead’. Her recommendation of tactics, ‘go forthe head’, proved correct. Separating the head from the body successfullyrepelled the attack. However, it is noted that with 72.46% of fauna with adistinct ‘head’ and ‘body’ that removal of one from the other will stop thecreature’s activity.”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Alyxreminded Ham.

“For a moment…” The Wizard offeredwithout turning around, the haze of smoke rising above his head and coalescinginto an arrow pointed to the left, beyond Ephraim.

Alyx turned around and scanned thefields. She saw the approaching forest, but nothing else of interest. Until shesaw the wyvern sized hole in the underbrush at the edge of the woods, faintpurple embers smoldering with thin wisps of smoke.

“Tis true,” Sir Reginald bellowed,“beheading the undead will not rend their unholy magic from their flesh. But itwill lay low a beast for a moment.” His visor nodded up and down, the knightnow taking in and reassessing Ham. “I see no blade which could pierce awyvern’s armored scale. Pray tell, how didst thou part head from neck?”

“Industrial mining laser” Hambuzzed. “Designed to carve veins of mutonium, it was assessed to have apotential effectiveness of 99.572% against the creature.”

“Ah ha!” The knight bellowed,impressed. “I have seen these blades o’ light in the possession of theheavensents Lord Bastian permitted to enter the mines..” He threw his headback, “HA! Wizard, his queer armor betrays a most cunning and resourcefulwarrior! He shall be a true boon in the completion of our quest!”

“They,” Alyx said.

“Armor of Thay?” Sir Reginaldasked. “What pray tell is Thay? Some alloy of magical provenance?”

The Wizard piped up through puffedsmoke. “I’ve never heard of a magical alloy of Thay, though I havefallen behind on my alchemy of late. Dreadfully dull subject, what withconcerns of gold and elixirs of life, as if there are not scores of magicalmeans of accomplishing  the intent of aPhilosopher’s Stone.” He drew a dismissive pull of his pipe, “On the otherhand, Adjunct Professor of Metallurgical Magic Alvin Minium de Pomsington wasworking with some ore from the Protectorate of Shay, perhaps he made abreakthrough and…”

Alyx gritted her teeth. This wasn’ther job anymore. But she couldn’t hold back. “No, Ham is ‘they’, not a ‘he’.The Nephalim have 13 genders… they don’t even have a ‘he’ or ‘she’ as we’d knowthem. Galactic Standard pronoun is ‘they’” For a moment she wished she had herslide deck. 

It’d been two years since thedownsizing at Spacer Freight, but if ever the universe was going to conspire tohave Alyx run into an old coworker, she had a sinking suspicion it would be now. 

“AH! My most sincere apologies, Ham of Hakel Lech! So you… ‘they’,” the knight added, a small nod to Alyx, “threwyour vessel into a spinning dive, that you would open the beasts neck to your energy blade? A most daring maneuver in the heat of battle.”

Ham’s voice buzzed. “Industrialmining laser. But yes, I had time to run the calculations. And Alyx confirmed the plan while we flew evasively. The forces brought to bear on her nervous andcirculatory systems were beyond recommended safety restrictions, but she remained conscious longer than human health protocols would indicate is possible.”

“But you struck the blow?”

“Yes, I suppose I did. Though the creature seems to have since escaped of its volition.”

As the unlikely band approached a darkening tree line, the road split in two with a signpost. One path, to theleft, read:

“Heroes Journey”

“Call to Adventure” 5km

“Refusal of the Call” 6km

“Doomed Hometown” 10km

“Crossing the Threshold” 45km

The other on the right read“Subterranean Vertices o’Expactashion” 1km

Sir Reginald rode ahead of theWizard’s cart. “Ah, surely our destiny lies down the road to the left!” Hekicked his heels into his stallion, picking up speed.

“Hey, golden boy,” Alyx said, “Idon’t think so.” She stood up in the cart, one hand on the top of Ham’s largehelmet to steady herself, the other holding her data pad. “Transponder says wego right. Though these readings are a little… erm… wonky.”

A great groan came from the treesahead. 

“Did that forest just… sigh at us?”

Ephraim stood up on his pedals topick up speed. “You’re right Alyx. I’ve been down the left path. It won’t takeus where we need to go.”

Sir Reginald had stopped ahead atthe fork. He stared down the left path, visor heavy with intent. 

“My father breathed his last uponthat road. I too fear the same fate stands before me.”

“So dramatic…” Alyx muttered, “hey, Wiz?”

The Wizard sputtered out a cough inresponse. Alyx had interrupted his puff-puff-think rhythm. “Yes, young maiden?”

Alyx sighed. “Not a maiden.” It wasall coming back now, no sense in fighting it. “Anyway, you have the hikingstick of destiny there. Which way do we go?”

“We shall go… precisely where wemust be… and in the going… arrive hence at our destination.”

“Great, you don’t know either. Ham,any insight?”

“Lidar mapping indicates that theroad to the left touches on many well-worn stops, it does not seem to take usto our particular destination. More than that I cannot be certain of, as mysensors begin to give irrational readings in the other direction. Based on whatwe know of the destination and potential anomalies, it would seem the rightpath is the correct way to go.”

“My new friend Ham here ain’t wrong.” Ephraim said, “The caves will take us under some territory recently controlled by techno-barbarians. We should take the caves.”

The Wizard let out a knowingchuckle. “Decanus Bonum Vibrationum visited those caverns lo these many yearsnow…” he turned around to look up at Alyx, “and he has yet to have returned.”He turned forward, snapping the reins to push the ox for more speed. The cartlurched forward. “This day grew more interesting by the minute.”

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